Destruction

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”-Cynthia Ocelli

The above quotation is nothing but a true reflection of the past 6 months.

In my last post, I spoke about the Global Leadership Summit that allowed me to meet such heart-warming, intelligent, worldly students from across the world that love to travel, go after their dreams and fearlessly live to the fullest. This, undoubtedly, had a bittersweet effect and left leaving me feeling so grateful to have met them but extremely discontent.

It is no secret that in my previous posts, I have spoken of my occasional episodes of despair but after the Summit, I realized how I was so unhappy with my life and that I was just pushing through all this unhappiness, hoping for it to magically disappear.

My pessimistic heart often finds it so easy to silently drown in despair and resultantly I found myself stuck, unmotivated and feeling trapped and miserable by my university degree and life.

To those near to me, especially my roommate, I think it looked like complete destruction.  And to many others, it looked as though all was well. It is only now that I can be honest about how I would often lock myself in my room all day in tears and fill my evenings with fake smiles, partying and anything that could distract me from the feeling of failure and sadness.

I would often joke that I was having a “quarter life crisis”, something that many 20-something-year-olds experience but now, looking back, I realize that it was not a crisis but rather a “quarter life learning curve”.  

This time taught me that I do not have to have everything figured out about my life right now, that nothing is constant- not people, not feelings. It taught me that it is so easy to fall victim to emotions of despair and complete sadness. It taught me that distracting yourself from your problems will not make them disappear but most likely escalate them. Most of all, it taught me that growth and change will not always look or feel good and most likely be the contrary.

Many of my friends and family who read this post will be quite surprised but I just want them to all know that people will only reveal the parts of themselves that they are willing for you to see.

If you are reading this post and are going through a tough time just remember that you are probably not alone and that if you allow unhappiness to completely take over your life, you leave no room for content and my only hope is that we may all continue to seek joy in this difficult but fulfilling journey called life.

The Global Leadership Summit 2015

Disclaimer: Being the person that I am, I failed miserably at taking any photographs for this blog post and after waiting a few weeks for Facebook tags I opted to go without those photographs.

As you will all remember, in 2012, I was fortunate enough to form part of the University of the Free State’s F1 Leadership for Change Programme. This allowed me and many other students to travel abroad to partnering universities all over the world for two weeks. Since then, I have filled my days with school work, heavy nights out and many other mediocre activities.

It is quite evident, that for the past few months, I have found myself unhappier than I have content. There has been a great desire for something more; something more satisfying than the reality of my 2015 year.

Now, fast forward to July, 05, 2015, I participated in the University of the Free State’s Global Leadership Summit (GLS). A programme focused on the glocal (local and global) perspective of leadership on issues such as complex societies, citizenship, social justice, reconciliation and sustainable development. This meant that all our partnering universities came to South Africa and were hosted by us, but most importantly, it also meant that I was going to have one of the greatest adventures of my year thus far.

Prior to the GLS, I expected to learn a bit about the world, to be slighlty challenged and pushed out of my comfort zone and to network with bright, young leaders but I did not expect to learn to learn so much about myself, my country and the world and make such life changing friendships.

I have learnt that I will never know everything and will constantly challenge my opinions and ideas about how I see myself, how others see me and how my perception of the world is only that…a perception- one that formed by conscious and subconscious messages from the media, my friends and family and societal ideas and values.

Additionally, I have learnt that my country, continent and the workings of the world are far more complex than I have ever been made to believe. I now realize that everything that I know is only a fraction of what is ‘true’ or rather deemed to be true.

Lastly, I have learnt that the easiest friends to make are one’s who see the potential that the universe places in their hands. Being around such a diverse group of liberal, accepting, opinionated leaders has inspired me to seek more- more from the relationships that I form, more from the people that I share my life with.

The above is only a small reflection of this wonderful programme and my experience. I have so much more to share (good and bad) but fear that if I give away every cherished moment of this GLS, I will be left with nothing.

It has been just less than a month since the programme has ended and my life seems rather mundane and incomplete. Every walk past the Conlaures’ Residence reminds me of late night/ early morning adventures and discussions.  Every bowl of soup reminds me of all those disappointed non-“special needs” faces at the opening ceremony. Every lecture at the EBW building reminds me of wonderful naps and great discussions that filled those rooms and every adventure to “Mystic” or “Die Stoep” is missing far too many faces.

Before taking part in the GLS, I knew that I desired something more; something more satisfying than the reality of my 2015 year. And now, post GLS, I realize that there is an even greater desire for something more.

I am thankful to the University of the Free State for this great opportunity and programme but, most of all, I am thankful to all the GLS delegates who shared a bit of themselves with me. I cherish each and every moment and memory shared with you. I hope that you all realize that you have took a bit of my heart with you as you have travelled back home and I have no choice but to come (in the near future) and get every single piece back, county by country.

Sadly, I am trying to return to my ‘ordinary life’ and forget you all for just a moment so that I am able to find just a little content in my unhappy and incomplete life.

Here, where I stand...

It feels as though it’s been forever since I have put words to paper. The past three months have been overwhelmingly busy and filled with so much emotion and self-discovery.

When I first came to university, I always expected to have every ounce of my being challenged in each and every way and boy, I could never have been more right.

In the last few months I have had to question my faith, morals, ambitions, decisions, actions and everything in between and this is where I stand:

I will not live up to any false ideas or expectations that you may have of me. I will change my mind often and without guilt. I will question everything I do not understand and even, sometimes, question the things I thought I did.

The presence of my sexual reproductive organs and their abilities will not be an indication that I should be a mother. The choice of motherhood is one that I will make consciously without societal pressures and judgement. I will constantly remind myself that choosing not to be a mother will not make me less of a woman.

Marriage might never be for me. It is an idea that seems (right now) better suited on paper than it is in reality. I will have to remind myself that I am not incomplete merely because I choose to love without trapping my partner in an unrealistic covenant that I not only make to and in front of God but to the state and all those that I love. I will love as long as the love will stay and thrive and not as long as I or my partner can sacrifice ourselves to make it work.

I will be honest with myself before I am honest with anyone else. I will not blame others for my failures, for my heartbreak and even for the decisions that I make based on their opinions. My life belongs only to me and I am responsible for every inch of its existence.

I might never be the apple of any man’s eyes and no man may ever fall in love with me but I will not allow their unrequited love to stop me from loving. I will love even when they least deserve it and until I have had enough. I will leave when my heart no longer serves a purpose and until I have felt everything as boldly as the heart can feel. I will refuse to miss out on feeling the awe that is love only because others declare that I do.

I will not apologise for rejecting blessings and opportunities that many are praying for when I know the blessings are not truly mine. I will shape my life in the direction best suited for me despite the directions that have been shoved down my throat.

My emotions and thoughts will drive me into episodes of despair and bliss and I will feel every emotion intensely. I will not try drowning the sadness with positivity or hapiness but I will rather let it cultivate me like no light ever could...but do not get me wrong, I will never deny happiness when it is staring right at me. I will not, for one second, reject any feeling that may lead to my growth.

Lastly, I will not be defined; not by my age, my level of education or occupation, not by my gender, the colour of my skin, the manner in which I speak , the people I choose to love or the being that I worship. I am more than an assortment of treasures and am more than just a multitude of characteristics, I am more than you can ever imagine.

Here is where I currently stand. I cannot not guarantee change or deny it but one thing that I can confirm is that I will always continue to be unhappily content. 

Better late than never: lesson's from 2014

So, I decided (awhile ago) that I would have to start 2015, a new year, with nothing less than a reflection of 2014.

 But, a month (almost 2) later, I found myself reflecting through a year that was filled with many wonderful memories and moments but a lot of sadness and disappointment!

Therefore I decided instead of sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of 2014 I would share my greatest lessons learnt in 2014.

Lesson 1: An Inevitable death is not just a loss of life but a loss of possibilities.

RIP Ntatemholo (Grandfather) I miss you and cherish your memory daily. I long for the possibility of sharing a moment and memory with you. I long for the possibility of sharing a final kiss and smile with you.  May your remarkable soul continue to rest in peace; my heart will forever grieve for your presence in my life.

Lesson 2: [sometimes] “second chances they don’t ever matter, people never change”- Paramore

People can only continue to disappoint you, if you allow them the time to do so. Therefore, remember that people are placed into your life for a certain reason, allow them to easily leave as soon as they have fulfilled it, and if that reason is nothing but a lesson, let it be a lesson learnt.

Lesson 3: The risk of opening your heart to new people is nothing but an opportunity to leave your heart smiling.

Indian Warfare:  I am fortunate to have met a bunch of beautiful souls that filled my year with laughter, wit, humour and Spur Breakfasts. I am lucky to have been welcomed with open arms (by most) and am lucky to have each and every one of them in my lives. May the words “you can’t sit with us” never leave our lips.

Imperium Members: From Gazellie Adventures to hitting the streets, you have taught me that being true to what I am, is the greatest gift that I can give to myself. May I continue to share the spirit and love of open-mindedness and acceptance that you shower yourselves in. May my blue heart never fail you!

Lesson 4: “It’s the friends that you call up at 4 am that really matter”

Friends from JHB: Although our time together is always limited, its value is limitless. I often take you all for granted because sub-consciously I know that you will always be there, just as I will for you. I hope that these few years apart are filled with nothing but love, adventure and self-discovery.

Friends from Bloemfontein:  It has been two years and the years keep coming! I'ts hard to imagine that I hated the thought of moving here...and possibly the thought of having to meet you. But I now sit here, completely overwhelmed by the love that you have showered my life with, you are my family away from home!

Lesson 5: Family is everything.

We cannot choose our families, but without a doubt, If I could:

Lesson 6: The beauty of life lies in its relativism.

In life, there is no absolute truth. Do not allow the religious beliefs, values and opinions of others to define your truth. Live the way that you choose!

Lesson 7: Live unhappily content

Do not allow the hatred and sadness that drowns this earth to drown your beautiful soul. Appreciate every moment of sadness while embracing each moment of happiness. A life fully lived is a life lived present in every emotion.

I declare it to the universe that 2015 is a year with even greater and positive lessons! May it be a year of growth, adventure and a greater sense of unhappily content. 

A Powerful Instrument

The mind has the ability to build the most beautiful of things; it controls our most wonderful thoughts and actions and holds the most beautiful of memories. 

But, the mind is also a dark place; a place that destroys beauty, a place of evil thoughts and actions and a place that buries the saddest and ugliest of memories.

Last year, when I initially moved to Bloemfontein, I would often tell my sisters that I experience many moments of unexplained anxiety that would randomly come and go when I was alone or quiet with my thoughts. I later convinced myself that the anxiety was a quiet sign from the universe, telling me that something great was about to happen in my life and, fortunately, that proved true with many great and wonderful things happening in 2013.

Unfortunately, lately, those moments of anxiety have been replaced with a deep and unexplained sadness. My mind, with all it’s beautiful abilities has revealed itself vulnerable- vulnerable to an uncontrollable sadness. A buried sadness- sadness that the mind hides even from itself.

Throughout my entire life I have had very little to be sad about. I have not been blessed with the greatest of fortunes nevertheless I have been very fortunate- I have life, love and purpose.

At first I thought that it a mourning sadness, as in September this year I bid farewell to my only grandfather. His death opened a wound that seems unable to heal; it has opened a flood gate of sadness…

I find myself sad that I no longer have a grandmother and grandfather on this earth, my parents have lost their parents and that many are alike.

I find myself sad that death is unpredictable yet inevitable.

I find myself sad that people cannot become who/ what they wish to truly to be because society has told them what is and is not acceptable.

I find myself sad that people have placed unwelcomed expectations over my head whether it is expectations of my life, career and choice on marriage and children.

I find myself sad that people still hold onto outdated thinking that discriminates and remains prejudice to people purely because of their gender, race and religion.

I find myself sad that people cannot be honest with themselves and therefore with others.

I find myself sad that people so easily disregard the impact of their words and actions in the lives of others.

I find myself sad the most monstrous of crimes happen to the most innocent of people.

I find myself sad that I am so fortunate while others suffer each and every day.

I find myself sad that things change. People change. Relationships change.

Most of all, I find myself sad that people find themselves in this overwhelming sadness and never recover from it.

This blog post is not a cry for help, but rather a reflection of the thoughts that I try to hide, even from myself. I am learning that sometimes it is difficult to find myself unhappily content when sometimes, all I am is just unhappy.

It has been a beautiful yet dark year. I am learning  that living presently within my life means that I should allow sadness in and live present in every emotion.

I hope that all of you will realize that sadness although overwhelming comes with a beautiful lesson or feeling, only if we allow ourselves to truly feel it. Also, I hope that you realize that the powerful instrument, called the mind, can handle anything you throw its way…even a sad storm waiting to pass.

So, accept that sometimes we will find ourselves more unhappy than we do content but always remembering that living present within this sadness allows you to live a life fully lived. 

“There is something beautiful in reveling in sadness.

The proof is how beautiful sad songs can be.

I don’t think being sad is to be avoided.

It’s apathy and boredom you want to avoid.

But feeling anything is good, I think.”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

The Ultimate Race...

South Africa is liberated. It is a country that is born from the racial injustices of apartheid…a country of truth and reconciliation…a country of freedom.

While studying in this conservative city of Bloemfontein I have come to realize though that some people might never be free or liberated.

They will forever be imprisoned by fear or their closed minded ideas of inequality, subconscious conditioning and ignorance. They will forever hold onto the idea that mere tolerance versus embrace is enough. They will forever allow race to dictate their choices.

I have wanted to write a post about the racial social struggles that I, as a young black woman (and many alike) have come acquainted to in this city of roses when it comes to dating or social interactions with our white male peers but have feared that I might just step on a few toes of offend a few people but sometimes, staying true to one’s own self is worth more than that.

Moving from a city where many of my friends were from different races and many dated inter-racially, Bloemfontein seems to be rather backwards in this regard.

Many parents and my peers do not believe in the idea of interracial relationships. They believe that interracial relationships are wrong because we are too “different” and racially incompatible to conclude in successful long term relationships...

This results in young white males or females who are interested, or are attracted to young black, coloured, Asian women or men-deprive themselves from great opportunities to meet beautiful souls and even worse: date in the interracial closet.

Others, on the other hand, said that their lack of interest in dating inter-racially is merely because of choice and preference and has nothing to do with fear or pressure from friends and family. I think, that is the easy answer, if we honestly reflect we will find that every decision that we make in life is subconsciously conditioned and influenced. We are not truly making decisions on our own…the ideas that have been uttered to us from birth stay with us long after we outgrow our nappies. The images that we associate with the idea of love stay engraved in our minds. It is rather disheartening to see that some people choose to remain in a box marked comfort. We choose to stick to one route when there are many breath-taking roads not traveled.

Inter-racial hook-ups have become the biggest kept secrets among the youth of Bloemfontein. Many will dip in the pool of interracial love but too few will do it proudly in the company of their friends and family or with the absence of liquid courage.

It saddens me to see young men and women allow the outdated ideas of their friends and families to dictate how they live they’re lives. I believe that we will never be free until the day that interracial couples can walk freely on campus or in the malls without stares or racial slurs thrown at them.

Just as Martin Luther King Jr. did, “I have a dream that one day little black boys and girls will be holding hands with little white boys and girls”. I have a dream that people will be brave enough to stand up for what and who they love. I have a dream that people will be freed from the chains of judgement.

I hope that people will come to realize that there is only one ultimate race and that is the human race...

Until people accept that, they will continue find themselves settling with an unhappy content and depriving themselves of true happiness.

Unbridgeable gap of content

Whenever I am at varsity, home has always been a place that I longed for throughout the semester ….this holiday though, being home seemed somewhat different.

It was still the same home – filled with all my favourite things- love, laughter, great food, unforgettable times, exceptional friends and the warmth of family. The only thing difference being, how I felt about being home.

My dilemma: When I am at university, I am always missing out the special moments that my friends and family back home are constantly making without me and for the first time, while home, I had this strange feeling of longing to be back in Bloemfontein, back to what seems to be my “new” life, back to what I have come to know and love, back to my other family of friends.

This made me ponder on the idea that in life, you shall never be fully content. It’s as though, what had always previously fulfilled you, will one day leave you longing for something else.

It is frightening to think that we are constantly faced with making life long decisions such as the choice to marry and who to marry or the inevitable choice of a career only to realize that at the moment that you made that decision, you were content but in a year, month or days’ time you find yourself far from content, seeking something more.

Are we, as human beings, engineered to constantly seek something greater than what we have?

In Katy Perry’s song, “Thinking of you” she sings: “How can I get better, once I’ve had the best?”...I think we fail to realize that sometimes the moment/ time in your life that you may be experiencing is the best and that you could possibly be missing out it because you are chasing something that you believe could be better!

Is there an unbridgeable gap between being content with what you have and the idea of finding content in something else? Are you disregarding the value of what currently makes you happy by seeking an unguaranteed greater happiness? It is unguaranteed because you do not yet know that by accomplishing or getting that thing, will truly make you happy.

In my situation, am I disregarding the happy time spent with my friends and family back home by seeking to be in Bloemfontein, having an unguaranteed time of happiness?

Instead of drowning myself  in the fact that I am constantly missing out on something great, whether at home or in Bloemfontein, I should  live fully present – wherever I am and with whoever I am with.

It is easier said than done, but I think until we can be fulfilled by what we have, we will never be fully content.

But this made me think- where do we draw the line between positive/ambitious thinking and a lack of content for what we have. Many would think that a rich man, seeking to be richer is rather selfish and lacks content in what he has but is he truly content if his heart seeks more riches?

Are we filling our lives with things that society has told us will make us happy instead of truly soul searching to find what makes us happy? Are we shoving the idea of happiness into a box marked “Standard” for every being to accumulate?

I challenge everyone, including myself, to throw this box away! Search for what makes you truly content and then…live it and love it! Do not ponder on what you do not have; do not long for what is not presently there in front of you because you will forever be searching for content in a maze of unhappiness.