It feels as
though it’s been forever since I have put words to paper. The past three months
have been overwhelmingly busy and filled with so much emotion and self-discovery.
When I
first came to university, I always expected to have every ounce of my being
challenged in each and every way and boy, I could never have been more right.
In the last
few months I have had to question my faith, morals, ambitions, decisions,
actions and everything in between and this is where I stand:
I will not
live up to any false ideas or expectations that you may have of me. I will
change my mind often and without guilt. I will question everything I do not
understand and even, sometimes, question the things I thought I did.
The
presence of my sexual reproductive organs and their abilities will not be an indication
that I should be a mother. The choice of motherhood is one that I will make consciously
without societal pressures and judgement. I will constantly remind myself that choosing
not to be a mother will not make me less of a woman.
Marriage might
never be for me. It is an idea that seems (right now) better suited on paper
than it is in reality. I will have to remind myself that I am not incomplete merely because I choose to love without trapping my
partner in an unrealistic covenant that I not only make to and in front of God but to the
state and all those that I love. I will love as long as the love will stay and
thrive and not as long as I or my partner can sacrifice ourselves to make it
work.
I will be
honest with myself before I am honest with anyone else. I will not blame others
for my failures, for my heartbreak and even for the decisions that I make based
on their opinions. My life belongs only to me and I am responsible for every
inch of its existence.
I might never
be the apple of any man’s eyes and no man may ever fall in love with me but I
will not allow their unrequited love to stop me from loving. I will love even
when they least deserve it and until I have had enough. I will leave when my
heart no longer serves a purpose and until I have felt everything as boldly as
the heart can feel. I will refuse to miss out on feeling the awe that is love
only because others declare that I do.
I will not apologise for rejecting blessings and opportunities that many are praying for when I know the blessings
are not truly mine. I will shape my life in the direction best suited for me
despite the directions that have been shoved down my throat.
My emotions and thoughts will
drive me into episodes of despair and bliss and I will feel every emotion intensely.
I will not try drowning the sadness with positivity or hapiness but I will rather let it cultivate
me like no light ever could...but do not get me wrong, I will never deny happiness when it is staring right at me. I
will not, for one second, reject any feeling that may lead to my growth.
Lastly, I will
not be defined; not by my age, my level of education or occupation, not by my
gender, the colour of my skin, the manner in which I speak , the people I
choose to love or the being that I worship. I am more than an assortment of treasures
and am more than just a multitude of characteristics, I am more than you can
ever imagine.
Here is where I currently stand. I cannot not guarantee change or deny it but one thing that I can confirm is that I will always continue to be unhappily content.
