“For a seed to achieve its greatest
expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come
out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would
look like complete destruction.”-Cynthia Ocelli
The above quotation is nothing but
a true reflection of the past 6 months.
In my last post, I spoke about the
Global Leadership Summit that allowed me to meet such heart-warming,
intelligent, worldly students from across the world that love to travel, go
after their dreams and fearlessly live to the fullest. This, undoubtedly, had a
bittersweet effect and left leaving me feeling so grateful to have met them but
extremely discontent.
It is no secret that in my previous
posts, I have spoken of my occasional episodes of despair but after the Summit,
I realized how I was so unhappy with my life and that I was just pushing
through all this unhappiness, hoping for it to magically disappear.
My pessimistic heart often finds it
so easy to silently drown in despair and resultantly I found myself stuck, unmotivated
and feeling trapped and miserable by my university degree and life.
To those near to me, especially my roommate,
I think it looked like complete destruction.
And to many others, it looked as though all was well. It is only now
that I can be honest about how I would often lock myself in my room all day in
tears and fill my evenings with fake smiles, partying and anything that could
distract me from the feeling of failure and sadness.
I would often joke that I was
having a “quarter life crisis”, something that many 20-something-year-olds experience
but now, looking back, I realize that it was not a crisis but rather a “quarter
life learning curve”.
This time taught me that I do not have to have everything figured out about my life right now, that nothing is constant- not people, not feelings. It taught me that it is
so easy to fall victim to emotions of despair and complete sadness. It taught
me that distracting yourself from your problems will not make them disappear but
most likely escalate them. Most of all, it taught me that growth and
change will not always look or feel good and most likely be the contrary.
Many of my friends and family who
read this post will be quite surprised but I just want them to all know that
people will only reveal the parts of themselves that they are willing for you
to see.
If you are reading this post and
are going through a tough time just remember that you are probably not alone
and that if you allow unhappiness to completely take over your life, you leave
no room for content and my only hope is that we may all continue to seek joy in
this difficult but fulfilling journey called life.
